It’s crucial to protect your mental and emotional well-being when dealing with a narcissist. These individuals, often lacking empathy and driven by an inflated sense of self, thrive on manipulation and control.1 Their behavior can leave you feeling confused, drained, and powerless. However, understanding how to deal with a narcissist can help you manage these toxic behaviors, protect yourself, and regain control.
Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition marked by arrogance, grandiosity, and the excessive need for attention. These symptoms exist on a spectrum of severity, exhibiting differently depending on the type of narcissism. However, you will notice consistent behaviors and attitudes when dealing with a narcissist.
Signs of a narcissist may include:
Attempts to isolate you
Challenging your reality or gaslighting you
Blaming you for everything that goes wrong
Monitoring your friends and whereabouts
Projecting their imperfections onto you
Discounting your opinions and needs
Having an arrogant or haughty attitude
Taking advantage of you or others for personal gain
Believing they’re unique and special
Exaggerating their own achievements
Jealousy of you and others
Lacking empathy
Narcissism & Relationships
Of the 0% to 6.2% diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, 50%-75% are men.2 While this personality disorder is rare, encountering a person with NPD can be upsetting and problematic. For example, narcissists will make everything about them–they may pretend to be interested in others for their own benefit.
Narcissists are charismatic in their relationships, often utilizing manipulation tactics and love bombing to lure partners in. They typically act loving after meeting someone to secure the relationship, but narcissists cannot sustain this behavior for long. Narcissists eventually show their true colors by continuously exploiting and controlling their partners. It is hard to get over a narcissist.
14 Tips for How to Deal With a Narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist–whether they are a family member, friend, or boss–takes a toll on your self-esteem and can leave you broken and dismayed. Relationships with a narcissist are a never-ending cycle of manipulations that worsen over time. While “getting along” with a narcissist may seem impossible, you can protect yourself by remaining calm, seeking support, and separating yourself when possible.
Below are 14 tips for dealing with a narcissist:
1. Educate Yourself About Narcissism
Narcissism manifests in various ways, but there are two common types of narcissists to be aware of–grandiose and vulnerable.2 The grandiose narcissist is highly confident, attention-seeking, and self-assured. The best way to deal with grandiose narcissists is to get them on your team and give them a key role.
On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are passive-aggressive and have low self-esteem. Provide reassurance to vulnerable narcissists to keep them on task and their emotions in check. You can better protect yourself from their manipulation if you recognize the difference between these two narcissists and continue to educate yourself about their behavior.
2. Set & Maintain Firm Boundaries
People with narcissistic personality disorder are habitual boundary-crossers. They have no problem bending and breaking rules because rules ‘don’t apply to them.’ However, they hold their own boundaries near and dear.
When involved with these individuals, make sure that you set boundaries and vigorously maintain them. State what you will and will not accept and don’t falter. Any crack in your foundation is an invitation to violate and push your boundaries. Stand up for yourself, restate your boundary, acknowledge their unacceptable behaviors, and push back against them when needed.
Use our How to Set Boundaries Worksheet to identify your needs and limits and learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
3. Respond Instead of Reacting
It is tempting to react to the narcissist’s manipulative tactics with shock, disbelief, anger, and even pain. However, these reactions fuel narcissistic supply and make interacting with narcissists more challenging.
When dealing with a narcissist, focus on present issues and avoid giving into their deflection or projection. Bringing attention back to the problem prevents the narcissist from monopolizing the conversation or changing the subject. Be intentional and mindful of your words and learn phrases to disarm a narcissist when they try to engage.
4. Watch for Gaslighting Behaviors
Narcissists gaslight victims to distort their reality and make them question their memory. This form of narcissistic abuse may be unnoticeable initially but can lead to long-lasting consequences. A narcissist may say you are paranoid, overreacting, or incorrectly remembering things.
Regardless, remember that your feelings are always valid. It can be easy to justify narcissistic gaslighting by making excuses for the behavior. But, recognizing the signs of manipulation can help you better deal with a narcissist when necessary.
5. Demand Action Over Promises
Narcissists are great at planning for the future but rarely keep their promises. The best way to hold narcissists accountable is to confront the deception head-on. When confronting a narcissist, remind them of their commitment and that others rely on this promise (playing to their ego). Do not fill any request until the narcissist fulfills their responsibility.
6. Keep the Conversation Brief
Narcissists are very good at dominating and controlling conversations. This form of manipulation gives them leverage as it leaves little room to get your point across or share opinions.
Keep discussions brief and focused and redirect the conversation when the narcissist strays. If the conversation remains one-sided, end it and move on. In the end, it’s important to recognize that most situations with a narcissist remain unresolved.
7. If You Have to Be Around Them, Act Interested
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic boss or authority figure, sometimes it’s best to pretend that you’re fascinated by what they say. You do not have to agree or disagree. You can respond with, “That sounds interesting,” “Tell me more about that,” or “How do you plan to implement that?” If it is a narcissistic coworker, you can tell them you are extremely busy or say, “I would love to talk, but I must get this done by the end of the day.”
8. Remind Yourself That You’re Not at Fault
A narcissist may blame you for anything that inhibits them from getting their way. Remember that your boundaries are important, including establishing where your responsibilities start and end. When they try to push accountability onto you, do not accept it or give in to their manipulation.
9. Focus On Your Own Needs
Narcissists thrive on attention—no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. However, you can break the spell by focusing on your needs, goals, and desires. Remember that their perception does not define you. Take note of your strengths, use self-affirmations to boost your confidence, and ensure you have time for self-care.
Use our Personal Strengths Inventory Worksheet to identify your inherent strengths and shift your focus from perceived weaknesses to positive attributes. You’ll reduce the impacts from negative self-talk and develop a more resilient mindset.
10. Create a Healthy Support System
All humans need connection and community. Isolation is a risk factor for depression, and lack of support can keep you from leaving a toxic relationship. Narcissists are also better able to control you when you are isolated. Prioritize your relationships with those who support you and make you feel safe.
11. Build Your Self-Esteem
Narcissists feed off those who have low self-esteem. When dealing with a narcissist, building a healthy self-image and self-love helps protect you from manipulation. Additionally, a stable sense of self allows you to develop and adopt coping mechanisms to advocate for yourself in the face of narcissism.
12. Practice Skills to Remain Calm & Grounded
Using calming skills can feel overwhelming or challenging at the moment, but the more you practice, the easier this becomes. Remaining grounded during a crisis or stressful situation strengthens your body’s stress responses. Handling a narcissist is best done when you implement approachable and practical tools to manage stress.
13. Recognize When You Need Help
Because narcissistic abuse can be subtle, identifying when it occurs may be challenging. It can be easy to fall into a cycle of narcissistic abuse and feel trapped without a way out. Signs that you may need to seek professional help vary from relationship to relationship.
However, therapy is beneficial if you are experiencing self-doubt or questioning your worth. Recovery can be a long process and choosing a therapist can take time, but healing is worth the effort.
14. Recognize That the Narcissist Needs Help, Too
Dealing with a narcissist is frustrating and upsetting. But underneath their facade of arrogance is a person with low self-esteem and deep-rooted insecurities. Being abused is never your fault, but the narcissist is likely living with their own unresolved trauma.
The best way to help a narcissist is to encourage them to seek therapy. Narcissists are notorious for avoiding treatment but may be open to it if they suffer from symptoms of depression or other mental health conditions. Treating narcissism is not easy, but a trained therapist can help someone stop being a narcissist.
When to Leave A Narcissistic Relationship
Narcissists are skilled manipulators and masters of deception. Narcissists use tactics such as gaslighting, belittling, love bombing, projection, and other narcissistic relationship patterns to control the relationship, even when you are attempting to leave.
It may be time to end the relationship with a narcissist if you feel confused or struggle to find words to explain what is happening. It is not worth losing sight of yourself or your self-worth to stay in a relationship that does not meet your needs. Narcissistic abuse syndrome is real and can have lasting impacts on a person–avoid this by knowing when to leave.
Below are signs that warrant leaving a narcissistic relationship:
If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they may leave you constantly feeling like you’re “not good enough” and gaslight you into staying
If you have a narcissistic mother or mother-in-law, she may compete with you, compare herself to you, or constantly present herself as a victim
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic boss, they may act entitled and never give you any positive feedback (but expect it from you)
If you know a communal narcissist, they may think they are generous, altruistic, or insightful, despite ensuring that they remain the center of attention
What NOT to Do When Dealing With a Narcissist
Figuring out how to handle a narcissist can feel like preparing for battle. You can never get your point across without an argument. They will criticize your opinion or blame others for their actions if you make a valid point. Therefore, knowing what not to do when dealing with a narcissist is an important aspect of the process.
Here are things to avoid when dealing with a narcissist:
Telling Them They’re Wrong
Narcissists are never wrong–they will hold their stance even when presented with facts that discredit their point. They will find ways to poke holes in your evidence. However, you can tell a narcissist they are wrong indirectly. For example, you may say, “You make a good point, but I see things differently,” or “I don’t recall that.”
Giving In When They Push Your Limits
Remember your boundaries, but recognize that a narcissist will never honor them. Be prepared for the narcissist to ask for more than you’re willing to give, and always hold your ground.
Calling Them a Liar
Narcissists love telling tall tales about their accomplishments. Any challenge of their actions deflates their ego and puts them on guard. Pressing your point will only escalate the situation. Instead, try saying, “It’s your story to tell.” Humor is also helpful when dealing with these situations.
Asking, “What’s the Matter With You?”
No one likes being asked, “What’s wrong with you?” It is off-putting and throws you into defense mode. Even more so for a narcissist because they are “perfect in every way.” Their fragile egos and low self-esteem are at the heart of their narcissism. Still, narcissists want to be understood and loved, so carefully choosing your words will be beneficial in these situations. Be compassionate. Ask if they need to talk or vent.
Directly Confronting Them
Narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism, so calling them out is rarely helpful. They may react with narcissistic rage or additional manipulation attempts. Instead, try to reframe negative feedback as compliments as much as possible. Only challenge their behavior in small doses and when absolutely necessary. Other times, it is best to walk away.
Telling Them How to Do Something
Narcissists view any form of criticism as a personal attack. They see feedback as someone belittling them or challenging their capabilities. A narcissist will shut down, tell you to do it yourself, or say, “Don’t ask me for anything.” They will feel like they have done something wrong, and any mistakes crush their self-esteem. Teamwork is your greatest asset in this scenario. Instead of suggesting a better way to do something, offer a different approach. You can also say, “I didn’t know you could do it that way. I usually…”
Arguing With Them
Narcissists thrive off attention. By arguing with them, you feed this craving. Choose your battles wisely, and remember that a narcissist has to be right. Trying to convince them of something they disagree with is not worth your time.
Expecting Them to See Your Point of View
You will only be disappointed and frustrated if you expect a narcissist to honor your opinion or viewpoint. In their mind, there’s only one way to do something–their way. Narcissists only focus on themselves and their needs, so trying to explain your mindset is useless.
Expecting Strong Communication
A narcissist lives to control, manipulate, and dominate others. Often, they use subtle ways to attain this power. Passive aggression and projection are some of their best weapons, so do not expect them to be direct with you. They will continuously communicate indirectly to ensure they maintain the upper hand.
Revisiting Old Issues
Narcissists are easily shamed when criticized. Bringing up the past will only trigger similar feelings. Opening old wounds will only cause more stress and harm. It’s best to leave the past in the past because narcissists rarely change.
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