Finding true fulfillment: Why you need to start with "who."
Ever found yourself in a meeting, surrounded by people, and felt your energy draining away, wondering why it feels so unbearable?
The work isn't the problem. The mission still matters. But something feels off—like every ounce of energy is being sucked out of you. It's not what you're doing. It's not even why you're doing it. It's who you're doing it with.
Maybe you've heard of Simon Sinek's book, Start with Why. Even if you haven't, the idea is simple: knowing your "why"—your purpose —is crucial for success and fulfillment. And he's not wrong. But, before finding your why, you need to start with who. The people around you can either propel you forward or hold you back. They can fuel your purpose or drain you until there's nothing left.
I recently met Natasha, who knew this feeling all too well. She had a dream job at a well-known organization, working on world-changing projects. But every day, Natasha came home exhausted—not from the work, but from the people. Her team was full of ego-driven, toxic personalities, and even the most inspiring projects turned into emotional quicksand. She needed a change.
So Natasha took a risk. She left the company and joined a smaller, mission-driven startup. This time, the team was different—they cared about each other, supported each other, and genuinely wanted to make a difference. The work was still challenging, but Natasha felt alive again. The people around her lifted her up, inspired her, and reminded her of her purpose.
Everything changed—not because of the what or the why, but because of the who.
The Science Behind "Who"
We underestimate how much fulfillment comes from the people we surround ourselves with. But science doesn't. The Harvard Study of Adult Development—one of the longest-running studies on happiness—found that good relationships are the single strongest predictor of health and happiness, more so than wealth or fame.
Strong connections reduce stress, lower inflammation, and protect against heart disease. On the other hand, loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Another recent study from the World Economic Forum found that even small social interactions, like chatting with a barista, significantly boost mood and well-being. Once our basic needs are met, it's the quality of our relationships that determines happiness—not our job title or bank balance.
If you're feeling frustrated, drained, or uninspired, it might be time to start with who. Here's how:
1. Map Your Inner Circle
The first step isn't about your tasks or motivation. It's about who you're letting into your inner circle. Get intentional. Write down the top five people in your life who you spend the most time with. For each person, ask yourself:
· Do they support and energize you?
· Do they align with your values and push you to be your best self?
· Do they bring you joy, even during the toughest moments?
Your inner circle should consist of those who lift you higher, not weigh you down. When you start with who, you build a foundation that makes every challenge easier. Fulfillment doesn't start with a perfect plan. It starts with the right who.
2. Invest Wisely
Once you've identified your inner circle, invest in those relationships. Fulfillment is about who you do life with, so prioritize nurturing these connections. Set a weekly "who investment"—something specific you do to strengthen a relationship. It could be calling a friend, sending a heartfelt note, or planning an in-person hangout. Relationships thrive on consistency. Make investing in your people as routine as any work meeting.
On the flip side, if someone is sapping your energy, use the "distance with grace" strategy. This doesn't mean cutting them off abruptly (unless necessary) but it does mean setting boundaries. Limit your interactions. Protect your energy.
The more you invest in the right who, the more satisfying your life becomes. Your energy grows when you give it to those who give it back.
3. Expand With Purpose
If your current circle isn't enough—or you need to expand your support—be proactive. Seek out the kind of people who boost you up, share your values, and challenge you to grow. This might mean joining a community that aligns with your interests, attending events, or reaching out to someone you admire. Surround yourself with the right who—people who add value to your life.
The right people make all the difference. And the more purposeful you are about finding them, the closer you get to real fulfillment.
Picture This
Imagine starting your day pumped—not because of the work itself, but because of who you're doing it with. Or, as my friend Julian says: "It doesn't matter if you're saving the world when you're doing it with a bunch of jerks." He's right.
Start with who, and watch how everything else falls into place. The right people make the journey worthwhile—and that changes everything.
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